Lost amongst the bean fairys
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spaced_monkey's LiveJournal:
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| Sunday, December 25th, 2005 | | 7:19 pm |
Waves goodbye
OK, I think this is going to be the last entry on this journal. I have another older journal too but I started this one for a couple of reasons, one to write for some old work mates (waves to Mel and Sam) and the other to vent some feelings that just weren't appropriate for the other one, due to a certain person being on my friends list. Then i added some of you guys just out of wanting something to read on my friends page. But now, I've realised I'm passed the time were I feel like I need two journals, as pretty much identical stuff was written in them anyway, and if I want to control who reads what I've learnt to adjust friends settings. So anyone who wants to see what I'm still up too can add king_of_apathy to their friends list. Beaubro, Maybeawish and Cloudwater I've added to my old journal so that'll explain the new one on your friends list. Waves goodbye but hopes to hear what you're all up too soon. | | Wednesday, December 21st, 2005 | | 12:02 am |
Set it off
To the guy working at Sileby recycling site. OK, the guy who bought in that cabinet with the empty cd cases did say I could have them, but I guess I should have checked with you guys first before making off with it. Thanks for letting me have it anyways. As for that thing with the survey question about permits, I was just repeating what the guy had told me, and it was a one off cuz he didn’t really understand the system. So that ‘word’ about not slagging off the staff and how if you wanted I could be ordered of the site for stealing stuff, it was just bullshit, you really didn’t understand what you were overhearing, and achieved nothing but creating bad vibes. Oh well, atleast today ended with Skindred at the Charlotte, who were naturally the dogs bollocks (which as a very good thing, as opposed to normal bollocks, which isn’t). | | Wednesday, December 14th, 2005 | | 6:13 pm |
| | 6:13 pm |
Scav
The survey job is getting easier. The last site I did was Bottesford (very outskirts of Leicestershire), and seeing as hardly anyone turned up during the day to survey I spent most of my work time in the cabin, watching TV (morning TV, it’s not ALL bad) I am also the proud owner of the following things, rescued from the skip. Lots of plates Three books Two rugs And a BBQ Oh, and Monday there was a car smash outside and both cars, one with the bonnet crumpled up, the other with the side caved in, were driven to the site and left there, so atleast that helped the day pass quicker. | | Monday, December 5th, 2005 | | 6:23 pm |
Tom of the dump
It’s amazing what people throw away. The following have been found at the Melton Mowbray tip. Two lifesize fibreglass American Indians (now guarding the portacabin offices) Good pair of shoes A bunch of action men (minus clothes) A gameboy plus Pokemon game A working laptop complete with charger! Yes, this is how exciting my life has become, the highlight of my day was two lifesize fibreglass American Indians. PS. Yes, I am still working at the tips (not hanging around them just for fun). | | Saturday, December 3rd, 2005 | | 9:11 pm |
Ditto
Well, if you want to know what I’m doing or how I’m doing just read yesterdays entry, it’s pretty much the same. Just as confused/undecided as usual Current Mood:  as per usual | | Friday, December 2nd, 2005 | | 5:16 pm |
Survey time (again)
What I’d really like is a job where I’m not looking at the clock fifteen minutes in So, my latest job sees my once again donning a yellow jacket and surveying members of the public about recycling, though this time it’s at the tips themselves. It’s about as much fun as you can have standing in a tip by yourself For six hours In the cold When it’s raining half the time And beginning to get dark. Well, atleast I took my CD player today, so time went a lot faster. | | Monday, November 28th, 2005 | | 9:25 pm |
Is anybody out there?
The idea with diaries used to be that they were kept private, now we want them to be read by as many people as possible. Anyways, who reads this? Leave a comment if you do. | | 9:24 pm |
Imperfect perfection
Internet not working at house (using Lee's), withdrawl symptoms, when I get unplugged from the net for more than 48 hours I go into a coma (probably) Why did I go back to Boxed Off to work today? I already know it’s crap, and I don’t really need the money. I’m sure if you work there for long enough time will run backwards. Urge to run amok with drill while wearing crazed serial killer grin risiinnnngggggggg. But actually no, I need some work to do, something to get me out the house, it’s good for me. Cuz I’ve got this weird feeling like I had back when I was in my last year at uni, were I lose all concept of stuff being negative or positive… And go shaky Uh-oh Happening again. Hhhmmm, I only half know were this ramble is going, let’s start again. Looking at my life I can think of two aspects that I feel pretty negative about. One of them it’s completely in my own power to do something about, though frustratingly I never seem to do so. One of them I can no longer do anything about, though I am currently writing an epic entry to finally get it all out my system. Is it important? Well to me, yes very important, but in the vast scale of things its not important in a ‘people dying in warfare’ type way, it’s kind of piddly issues, infact I suggest that if you’re going through real crap in your life, don’t read it, it will only annoy you. And the rest of my life is all good. I’ve never known real pain in my life. No money troubles I have work (which is boring and poorly paid, but so what, it’s not permanent) I have lots of mates I have good health My families nice And I’m afraid to say I’m completely unappreciative off all of it. If I could change that I would, but I don’t know how too. Why is it? Because I’ve never known anything different I guess. Especially my family, I mean my parents are all lovely and sweet and perfect and that… I was talking to my mum about what I was going to get everyone for their anniversary (everyone in our family gets presents on their anniversary cuz we don’t have Christmas) and my mum says ‘Very kind of you’ ‘Very nice’ And its so sad cuz so many people would love this but me… Stares at feet Squirms a bit Says ‘thanks’ and walks back to room. This is clearly not natural. Something only has value if we appreciate it, and that’s what I have to learn to do. And I can’t help but thinking that in a twisted way what I really need is something real to deal with, something to shake it into perspective. Anyways, on a random unrelated note, I’ve decided that a lot of the stuff I seem to be bothered about is completely alien to a lot of people, and that from reading your journals a lot of stuff you lot worry about just wouldn’t bother me at all. Different issues for different people. It’s been snowing for the first time this year, hope the country freezes over and all goes to hell. | | Friday, November 25th, 2005 | | 7:14 pm |
Stupid is as stupid does, so stop doing stupid things
A selection of my most foolish moments, just for your entertainment. I used to work at this agricultural research place. I must have been all dozy from working in the warm polytunnel (think plastic greenhouse) when I came in for morning break. I went in the bathroom and was about to use the urinal when for some forgotten reason I stopped and washed my hands instead, then dried them. So that done I found myself standing in front of a bin with the thought in my head ‘I need to pee’. And suddenly I’m undoing my trousers to use the bin as a urinal. Just in time one of the other guys at work walks in and just says matter of factly ‘that’s the bin’ and I say ‘Oh, thanks for that, hot day out, making me kind of dozy’. He was nice enough not to mention it to all the people at the lunch table. I was once driving back to Leicester from Coventry at about half one in the morning, the roads were pretty much deserted and I was approaching this roundabout (Btw to the lj friends in countries other than the UK, do you have roundabouts over were you are?) were I had to turn right. So I thought I’d save a few seconds and GO ROUND IT THE WRONG WAY. And there was someone coming the other way, I missed him but had he been two seconds earlier I would have hit him head on. I wonder who’d have been held accountable there?!? During my final uni year me and my mate Jon wanted to get some books out for copying graphs from, but they were reference only. So we decided to smuggle them out anyway (his idea, my bag) and the alarm went off and the turn stile jammed and there I was standing like a muppet, caught red handed. Embarassing or what! I was banned from getting books out for a month, which I consider was getting off pretty lightly. And here’s a story from when I was working as a space auditor at my old uni. It was my last audit of the day and as I approached the Squash room I saw a group of people mingling just outside. "Don't go in" a girl warned me as I walked towards the door. "What?" "Just don't go in" I thought they were just messing about, why shouldn't I go in? "Why not?" "Not unless you want to see American footballers..." the last few words she said somehow didn't register. I just knocked on the door and a guy opened it and I figured the last word must have been "naked". Some sort of photo shoot was going on. Behind the guy who opened the door was standing a completely naked dude covering his bits with a helmet. "Well, you tried to warn me" I said as I walked away from the room. "Yes" the girl said, "several times". I'm not too bothered that I walked in on the photo shoot, what really embarasses me is how dumb I must have looked to those people who had quite clearly warned me not to go in. | | 5:48 pm |
Hard work never killed anyone, it certainly won’t get me
Cold and dark in the mornings now, may have been for some weeks now, but I’m only noticing it because for the past week I’ve had a job that requires I be in for normal people hours (8 am). Yup, factory work again, this time at Boxed Off, it’s boring, it’s not a penny over minimum wage (so I’ve been told, who knows what minimum wage is?), but I don’t care, cuz next week I’m doing something different. We’ve been putting screws in the back of mobile phones for display purposes at shops So so many mobile phones. Hundreds, possibly thousands. Why does the world need so many display mobile phones? And I stabbed my finger with a screwdriver, do this and you’ll leave a bloody fingerprint on every phone you glue together. | | Tuesday, November 22nd, 2005 | | 5:40 pm |
| | Monday, November 21st, 2005 | | 1:11 am |
The police helicopter story
This happened years before I started this journal, but it’s really the best story I have, and as it’s a slow news day I’ll write it up for you all. Years ago (I think I was still at school) me, my brother Dan and two mates of mine went up to Bradgate Park with a telescope to look at the stars. So we get to the top of this hill and we can’t really get it working. But we see this police helicopter in the sky, facing us, but it doesn’t twig that they’re watching us, we think, oh maybe they’re looking at some other car on the road. So we give up on this telescope and start walking back to the car, playing about with the telescope, pretending to shoot eachother with it. Then we see this police chopper coming after us with the searchlight on the path we’d walked down. We walk out to the car and suddenly from both sides of the road come the ARMED RESPONSE UNIT in their vehicles. Had guns in the cars if needed, but fortunately they just walked up and asked to look in the boot. Turns out that when we’d got the telescope out the back of the car, when it was still all in long shaped boxes, people in the car parked behind us had thought it looked suspicious and phoned the police. The police told us ‘We thought it was probably some guys with a telescope, either that or middle eastern terrorists trying to shoot down the air traffic from East Midlands airport!’ They had diverted the air traffic just incase! I mean I must have been no more than 16 and my bro was 13, and I assure you we look nothing like Middle East terrorists! | | 12:39 am |
It's all in the family
My granddads 80 this week. Doesn’t look it. Had all the family and friends over to this restaurant near Cardiff. Meet all the old folks. Smile Shake hands ‘Nice to meet you’ etc Nah, my granddads alright, I mean most old people I find boring but atleast he has stuff to say. Very clever guy, went to Cambridge, was an engineer for most of his life, even inventing a few things along the way. And he’s always interested in what we’re doing uni/workwise, fair enough as he payed for all his grandkids uni fees. So what am I doing? ‘Working at a factory’ I told one of his friends when they asked. ‘Doing what?’ ‘Packing boxes’ My mum leans over and says to me ‘you could put it as I’m between jobs’ I mean, sure, though who knows how long till I get another job? Nothing wrong with packing boxes. It was so foggy on the motorway home, I love fog. | | Friday, November 18th, 2005 | | 12:47 am |
Beat my head against the wall
Round and round and round we go, I feel I’m trying to live two different lives, and neither of them that well. It’s so frustrating. ‘If you don't stand up for something, you'll fall for anything’ ‘it's not a good thing to go around confused all the time. It's like trying to win a race, but youre only going in circles. Make a decision so you can go on forward with your life.’ ‘I think that if you don't make a commitment to one or the other sides of the fence, you'll have a difficult time growing as a person.’ That’s some good advice from that community I think. I know they’re right, it’s just making that decision seems impossible. And yet I know when I do everything in my life will fall into place. So why not try? Because if it’s really true then it’s the most important thing in the world, nothing else really matters. Not keeping up with whatever’s cool at the time. Not what other people will think of me. Not my silly little obsession with things being too safe or perfect. Not even the thing that makes me feel all yucky inside that I don’t know how to get over, that will fade in time. Just decide. OK, that’s kind of cryptic, I know atleast one person on my friends list is going to understand what I’m talking about, the rest of you may wonder what the hell I’m on about. | | Thursday, November 17th, 2005 | | 2:43 pm |
I'd rather eat a bag of razorblades
This is my new saying. Me and Lee standing outside Mosh in the cold after it had closed, watching everyone come out. ‘You want to go home now?’ ‘I want to wait around for ten minutes, see if I can pull’ ‘Frankly, I’d rather eat a bag of razor blades’ But preferably if they were ground up into metal powder, much easier to go down that way. Anyway, Mosh is cool on a weds night, cheap drinks, very good selection of music (especially in the punk room). Lee keeps on wondering why I have no interest in pulling, it’s not like I’m asexual, it’s just that whole pulling thing in clubs is so not me. Come to think of it, I’ve never put a lot of effort into anyone, never chased anyone, not unless they’re willing to put a bit of effort back. And I guess that’s why Jen was so good, she invited me up, she made no secret of the fact she adored me, and I really like that, in a world were the guys are expected to chase the girls she put the effort in with me. And I still feel horrible that in one thoughtless moment were I hadn’t thought how I’d worded stuff, I turned all that was special about that into something hurtful, and made her feel cheap and easy, or as she put it ‘I never realised you had to play all coy and innocent to get you’ I assure you that you don’t have to, but I know how I made it seem that way. Crap, everytime I think about this it just gets worse. I mean she liked me so much she was in tears when she thought I didn’t want her, though as we were speaking over msn I didn’t truly realise how upset she was. Ofcourse there was never really a time when I didn’t want her, and yet I still managed to reject her for someone else who I found out too late was only messing me around, a decision that I can now see clearly was made on what seemed practical rather than what was in my heart (another issue, don’t want to go into it here). And I feel horribly inept for managing to do that, like I can’t handle adult affairs. On a similar subject, Qui (ex) paranoid as she was from having a brother and abusive ex who had aspergers syndrome, would read it into anyone. As she put it ‘Maybe you have aspergers because you don’t seem to communicate with people that well, don’t read situations properly’. Which is complete rubbish, I assure you I don’t have bloody aspergers syndrome, I handled Qui very well, she thought something was wrong with everyone else, never realising her own paranoia was the real cause. And yet with Jen I made so many wrong moves that you have to wonder, I mean I know I’m not, but I still made a massive mess of the whole thing, and every word back then that Jen said, before I realised the Gemma thing was going nowhere... ‘Won’t you be glad when I’m over my obsession with you’ ‘You don’t like me the same way I like you, it’s quite clever really, I kind of admire it’ ‘You don’t have to pretend you like me’ ‘It’s not your fault, I read stuff into it that wasn’t there’ All so horribly ironic isn’t it? Anyways, as I found out too late with Jen ‘I loved you, I worshipped you, you were my god’ And that is the sort of dedication that may only come once in a lifetime. Jen has never had a shortage of guys interested in her, trying to chase her, and yet I was the one she wanted, as she put it ‘I still chose him, out of several possibilities’. And maybe this is why I can’t seem to be bothered with anyone else at the minute, simply because I know I’ve already had someone (for one week only) who was fit, easy to get on with, interesting to talk too, really liked me more than anyone else, and yet I managed to reject her, and though I could try putting in the effort with someone else, it’s never going to be as good as what could have been. | | 12:43 pm |
Late night, come home, work sucks, I know
Oh how time flies when you’re doing mindless repetitive tasks. For the past week I’ve been working the 3 – 10 shift at Benson Boxes, a great big factory located in a gloriously dull and uninspired industrial estate in Coalville. I’d tell what I’ve been doing for work, but just typing it would bore me, so enough to say if I have to look at another Sainsburys ready meal packaging I will eat my stupid blue net hat. Why do we have to wear them? There’s no food at all in the factory, only cardboard! And we’re not allowed to listen to MP3 players, killjoys, maybe they fear we wouldn’t hear those neat little trolley trucks that get driven round and get bumped into. Do like those trolley trucks though, they’re pretty cool. And they have a neat machine that rotates a pallet while shrink wrapping it. Me and the temp guys have got this wicked idea if we want to get fired. Stand on the machine and completely shrink wrap ourselves! Then get carried in to management wrapped up from head to toe and try to explain our way out of that one ;) | | Sunday, November 13th, 2005 | | 5:20 pm |
Oi, hands off
Haven’t been to Ret in just over nine months, so this time when I went with Adrian, Alex and Mark, it was pretty cool. Had a good shouty stomp along, giving up on wearing my t-shirt for most of the time (too hot to worry about appearances). Duncan was there, Georgie too. Left at half three and when I reached the clock tower I picked up a nutcase who followed me home for the next ten/fifteen minutes. The (very condensed ) version of what happened is as follows. Guy shouts ‘Hey, you’ from across road. Walk on, ignore him. He follows me. ‘Hey, why you walking away from me’. May be easier just to talk to him. Stops. Shrugs. ‘Soz mate, didn’t know what ya wanted’. ‘Why you ignoring me?’ ‘Didn’t know you, what you want’ ‘You got a fag’ ‘Don’t smoke’ ‘You got a couple of quid?’ ‘Not meaning any disrespect to you, it’s my money’ ‘Don’t make me have to get fighting’ Eyes flick to the McDonalds in the hope of ducking in, it’s closed, bugger. We start walking out of town. Don’t act scared. Don’t act angry or confrontational. Just act friendly like he’s my mate. Eventually he gives up on the idea of getting money out of me and the conversation changes. ‘What club you been too?’ ‘Ret’. ‘That a gay club?’ ‘Nah, rock club’ ‘You don’t need to lie, that’s a gay club isn’t it, you’re one of them’. Laughs and shrugs. ‘Nah, I don’t care what you think I am, I know I’m not’. And so on. Now he’s putting his arm round me as we walk. ‘Where you off to now?’ ‘Home, to bed’. ‘You got space there for me?’ ‘No’ ‘I’m gay you know, wanna go down in these bushes, I’ll let you fuck me’ ‘No thanks’ ‘I’ll suck your dick’ ‘No thanks, just don’t want to’ Attempts to steer me down the steps to the canal. Carry on walking down road. He tries to put his hand in my pants. I pull away. ‘Why you pulling away for man?’ ‘I’m just not gay, no offence ya know’. ‘You want to see my dick’? He stops by some bushes to get himself out. I walk on. He gives up following me. Guess that would be scary if I was a girl, but thing is I knew that if it came down to a fight he wouldn’t be able to overpower me. I almost feel like I should say I was shook up by it, just so I sound normal, but thing is once I knew I was safe it just felt like a distraction from what I usually think about, and within a couple of minutes I wasn’t at all bothered and was once again getting all neurotic about stuff that happened months ago that I still can’t let go off. That’s just me, most things is water of a ducks back, other things, OK the Jen thing, will stick with me until it feels like its eating my soul from the inside and just shitting out the crap inside too. That’s me, odd mixture of strong and weak. | | Wednesday, November 9th, 2005 | | 6:08 pm |
Going nowhere fast
So nearly a year and a half since finishing uni, and I’m back doing temp work, and you know what, I don’t care. There are a number of people who seem concerned that after three years of uni I’m not doing anything with it. It’s not like I’m not searching, it’s just that environmental jobs are few and far between. And so what if I don’t find a relevant job, uni was still three years of my life that passed pleasantly by, rather than actually spending the time doing real work, certainly not a waste of time (actually we wasted a lot of time, and enjoyed ourselves doing it, which is rather more the point). So today I’m working in the offices of The National Youth Agency, just shifting office equipment around, that and standing around drinking tea. There were meant to be two of us temps there, but the other guy, some European student, turned up two and a half hours late, when all the work was finished, and sits in reception. ‘We don’t need you anymore, you can go home.’ Which should be a bit of a hint to go away, don’t you think? Instead he sets up his laptop (Why the hell was he carrying a laptop) and makes himself at home. ‘You can go home now’ Becomes aggravated. ‘No I stay and work, and get paid’. Goes back to laptop. ‘Go home’. ‘Please, you are disturbing me from working’ Staff at reception exchange blank looks. ‘You can’t work here’. ‘This a youth centre, I am youth. I am working here’ ‘This is a reception’ Staff exchange amused looks while he continues playing with his laptop. ‘Can I plug into your internet?’ ‘No’ ‘I need to show you my website’. ‘Go home’ He was still packing himself up, incredibly slowly, when I left. Weirdo. | | Monday, November 7th, 2005 | | 12:12 pm |
This is what happens when you have dinner with naturalists
Hands round little plastic pots round dinner table. ‘Here, smell these’. Sniffs. ‘What is it?’ ‘Otter spray’ ‘Dung?’ ‘Yeah’ ‘Smells OK’ ‘This ones mink’. Sniffs. Not so good. ‘They smell different depending on what they’ve been eating. Otter can be quite addictive’. ‘Not sure if I’d sniff it for pleasure. Tam, you want to try?’ ‘Erm, no thanks’. Hehe, met up with the old HDRA students for dinner at Petes house (one of Matt and Janes friends), good to see them all. |
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